Time goes on and on...

Today marks the two year anniversary of the passing of my father-in-law. And I have come to understand a few things more clearly and I have realized that life itself is very comforting.  There are small reassurances all around showing that all is ok, and that life is to be joyful, even in the absence of those we love. Sometimes you have to look for those reassurances, other times they are so obvious you can't miss them.

Vern's greatest joy in life were his grandchildren.  His pride in them was palpable. So, with that pride in mind and through his eyes and heart I have come to enjoy my children in a whole new light. I have come to enjoy each moment more (even those nasty parenting times) and realize that they are growing up so fast and taking it all in. Today is for enjoying and not to worry about tomorrow.  Sharing their joy and creating my own with them, each day, is amazing. That is not to say that I don't feel like screaming and yelling...duh, you all know me too well for that one...but realizing that there is far more joy to feel than stress or frustration!

There is no greater time of prayer and petition as when a loved one is ill and passing.  The time spent pleading for a miracle of healing, then the time spent praying for relief and peace for them consumes most days.  And with their passing, praying for our peace and comfort in the days, weeks & months to come. And, as time goes by the sting of their absence hurts less and less, I have found that at times that I have gone a day or even a few days without thinking of him.  At the realization of this, I feel sad and guilty for not thinking of him more often.  I know that it is perfectly normal, and it is ok for life to continue; and for the sadness of him being gone to be replaced with memories that make me smile on the spot, but the guilt does come through sometimes. However, keeping in mind that I prayed for this, peace & comfort, is easily forgotten. Then something so small, and insignificant as the prayer to find a missing memory card for a camera is answered... And wham! It hits...if God cares enough to help me find a missing memory card, why should I feel bad about feeling the peace I so desperately prayed for, for having days go by where life is ok, normal and joyful...it is what I prayed for after all! And doesn't God want me to feel joy rather than sadness...

Then there are the less personal signs. This morning for example...as I was driving up the hill home I glanced up to see the sun working so hard to burn through the thick, dull-gray layer of clouds. You know the look of it, like a light bulb through a lampshade.  And I thought, there is sun after clouds...the sun will always rise...and warmth and color will come after the cold and dreary gray.

With these thoughts in mind, I will try and focus more on the wonderful, bright memories of the past and less on the cloudy, absence of today. And what a better way to brighten a gray day than to think of the wonderful laughs, smiles and memories!  After all, without the clouds of today, their will be no sun tomorrow!